What to Do When Your Child Expresses Feelings in Intense and Hurtful Ways: A 3-Step Approach
One of the most common things I work on with kids and parents is when a child expresses their feelings in really intense and hurtful ways. This might sound like:
“I want to destroy the whole world with you in it!” when your child doesn’t get their way.
“I’m going to kill you!” when you child feels vulnerable and their feelings are hurt.
“I’m never being friends with you again!” when your child gets into a conflict with another child.
The first thing to note is: you’re not alone.
It is incredibly common for kids to express their feelings in really big and intense ways—especially for our highly sensitive, deeply feeling kids. These kids often express things more intensely because they are feelings them more intensely.
When a child feels hurt—whether it’s from a perceived injustice, a limit being set, or a moment of disconnection—they often express that emotional pain through anger, frustration, or hurtful words. This isn’t because they’re “bad” or disrespectful. It’s because they’re still learning how to process big emotions and communicate their needs in healthy ways.
When your child lashes out, it’s not a sign of failure—it’s a signal for support.
Over the years, I’ve coached many parents through a three-step process that helps them stay grounded, connect with their child, and guide them toward healthier ways to express hurt. This approach nurtures the child’s emotional growth while also setting important boundaries.
Let’s walk through it.
Step 1: Validate the Hurt Feelings with Compassion
Before anything else, your child needs to feel seen and understood. Even if their reaction seems dramatic or irrational, the emotion underneath is real to them.
When children feel hurt, their nervous systems go into high alert. The thinking part of their brain (the prefrontal cortex) essentially goes offline, and they operate from their emotional brain. In this state, logic won’t help—but compassion will. They need to feel your heart.
Here’s what validation looks like:
“That really hurt your feelings, didn’t it?”
“I can see why you felt left out. That’s a hard feeling.”
“You didn’t like when your brother took your toy without asking. That felt unfair.”
You don’t need to agree with your child’s behavior, and you don’t need to “fix” the feeling. Just acknowledge it with empathy.
Why it works: Validation soothes the emotional brain. It tells your child, “You’re safe. I’m here. Your feelings make sense.” Only once the emotional storm has settled can learning and reflection begin.
Step 2: Set Loving Limits on Hurtful Behavior
Compassion and boundaries are not opposites—they’re partners.
After you’ve acknowledged your child’s pain, the next step is to gently but clearly set a boundary around any hurtful behaviors. Highly sensitive, strong-willed kids often feel deeply and react intensely, but they still need to learn that big feelings don’t justify hurtful actions.
Here’s how you might say it:
“It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to say mean things to your sister.”
“You can feel upset, but it’s not okay to hit.”
“I hear that you’re angry. I won’t let you throw things.”
Your tone matters here. Stay calm and firm—not harsh. This models self-regulation and communicates that all feelings are allowed, but not all behaviors are.
Why it works: When we set limits without shaming, we create a safe container for emotional expression. Children learn that it’s safe to feel, but there are respectful ways to act.
Step 3: Teach a Healthy Replacement Behavior
Now that your child feels seen and the boundary is clear, you have a golden opportunity: to teach.
Children don’t come preloaded with emotional regulation skills. They learn them through modeling, coaching, and repetition. When your child has calmed down (this might take a few minutes or more), help them find better ways to express their feelings next time.
You might say:
“Next time you feel that mad, you can say, ‘I need space!’ instead of yelling.”
“When you’re hurt, it’s okay to walk away or ask for help.”
“Let’s practice saying, ‘I feel sad because…’ instead of saying mean things.”
This is where role-play and visual aids can be helpful, especially for younger kids. The goal is to make healthy communication feel possible and empowering.
Why it works: Teaching alternatives builds your child’s emotional toolbox. Over time, they begin to access those tools before they explode—not after.
Tips for Parents of Strong-Willed, Sensitive Kids
Regulate yourself first. If you’re triggered by your child’s words or actions, pause before responding. Your regulation is contagious.
Remember: behavior is communication. Even when it’s messy, it’s your child’s way of saying, “I need help.”
Expect repetition. Emotional regulation takes time and many, many reminders. Progress is not linear.
Repair after rupture. If things get heated, circle back later. Repair builds trust and shows your child how to make amends.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone
Parenting a highly sensitive, strong-willed child is no small task. These children often have deep emotional worlds, fierce integrity, and big reactions. They also have the potential to become compassionate, emotionally intelligent leaders—with your support.
When your child expresses hurt feelings in unhealthy ways, it’s not a sign they’re broken. It’s a sign they need guidance. And you are exactly the right person to offer it.
With compassion, boundaries, and consistent teaching, you can help your child transform hurtful outbursts into heartfelt connection.
You’ve got this—and I’m here to help.
Need More Support?
If you’re navigating life with a sensitive, strong-willed child and need deeper guidance, I offer child and family play therapy services to help guide you and your strong-willed child. Together, we can create more calm and connection in your home.